The To Settle or Not to Settle Theory ©2011

by Craig Mercier
(Lewiston, ME)

As we make the transition from being a teenager to being an adult many thoughts run through our minds as to what we picture our futures being like. The majority of us start to contemplate the thought of settling down with someone and starting a family. Some of us are in relationships during this time and others are still living the single life. Those in relationships, no matter how long they have been together, have to think about whether or not they want to consider a long term future with the person they are with. To some this is an easy decisions but to most its one of the most complicated decisions you have to make in your life time seeing as this decisions ultimately effects your entire future.

Relationships can be very complex in the sense that you have to trust the person you are with. Once this trust is broken it is very difficult to regain it. Let's talk a minute about the types of scenarios where someone could lose trust in the person they are with. The most likely scenario is cheating one the person you have a commitment with. The reason I say commitment is because without a commitment you are just friends. We all know there are different types of friendships but we will leave that for another time. Another way to lose trust is through the lack of communication or the failure to communicate. While some may not consider this a likely scenario it happens more than you think. When you find out about something from a second party you are more likely to lose trust in that person because you may feel a sense of dishonesty. Although there is that catch 22 when being honest can also get you into trouble. This will vary from relationship to relationship and the different personalities that make it up but either way it can lead to the loss of trust within that relationship.

The theory behind "To Settle or Not to Settle" has to do with the decision a person has to make at some point in their relationship. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? Do you trust this person with your life? Would you trust this person around your kid(s)? These are all basic questions that run through your head when you have the daunting task of making this decision. What frustrates me the most is when someone settles just for the sake of settling because they feel its the best they can do at that time or because they have a fear of being single. To me this is the poorest excuse in the book and a very selfish one at that. What gives you the right to hold someone back from finding true happiness when your reason for settling is because you don't like the thought of being single or because that is all that is available at the time? Once you have made the conclusion that you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person you need to say good bye if you truly care about them.

You can come up with many excuses as to why not to break off a relationship: you still love them but not enough to marry them someday, you really care about them, you hate the thought of being single, you think with time things can change and everything will go the way you want, love takes time and I have all the time in the world to wait for it, they say they will change for me, my kid(s) really like him/her and I hate to take that away from them, etc etc. Do you really believe it is fair to deprive them of finding that person who they can settle down with, marry someday and start a family? When you choose to stay with a person, even though you can't see a long term future with them, you are thinking only of your needs and not theirs. This is why I say this type of decisions is a selfish one. Do yourself a favor don't waste your time and theirs just to have a companionship or someone to to have around. No one says you can't be friends in the end, but you have to do what is best for the both of you not what is best for one person.

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